Monday 12 December 2016

Blogmas Day 6: Monday Musings

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get married. Sure, I do think I'm an independent woman - fully capable of providing for myself. But that's exactly it. I AM a woman - which is why I think about these things.

I really don't know why (most) girls fantasise about weddings from a young age. We've got our wedding gowns, names of future kids, and location all sorted in our head. And that's from, like, what, the age of 5? Little did we know that before that day comes, a string of boys will charm their way into our lives and make us doubt whether we will ever get to walk down the aisle.

Of course some ladies are not pro-marriage. There are some who want to explore their options and not be tied down to anyone and there are some who like to be in a monogamous relationship but without the knot. And that's okay. I fully support that. For myself though, I've always thought that at some point in my life I would settle down with that one person who I truly love and am in love with and have a house, and kids, and maybe a personal library or something.

I guess what I'm really thinking of is whether I could break down my walls well enough to let another person in. I am honestly having a hard time doing it. I do remember my first experience of being in a relationship - that giddy feeling I got at the courting stage and how sweeter it was when I said yes. And then, eventually, the heartbreak. I think the irony of it all boils down to the innocence of having another person there besides your own - and then the sting and realisations of the downfall.

And then there's your second love. I think second loves should get even more credit. Although I think it's important not to rush into the next person's arms without fully healing first, second loves still have that responsibility of making sure you're okay. That you've picked up the broken pieces. That you're whole again. And sadly, that responsibility is a given. No one asks them to do it. No one expects them to do it. But they do it anyway. Because if not, the other person is never truly theirs.

I've learnt so many lessons from my first breakup. One of the things I really keep in mind now is to say whatever it is that is bothering me. To just say it. Innocently, at first, I used to keep it all in. Because that's what society demonstrated. That saying things will just make it worse. But you know what, no. I can't just keep my mouth shut anymore because it's at that point when the other person will start walking all over me. Again. And I've had enough of that already.

I honestly never thought I would eventually be that person who would want to let go after a few heated arguments. I never thought I would bounce back a conversation and throw some daggers while I'm at it. I never thought I would turn a little less sweet.

I feel sad thinking about these things. But at the same time, my head, which is placed higher than my heart, is telling me that it's all okay - that I'm protecting myself from harm. I wish I could find a good balance to all this. To be innocent and sweet yet brave and smart.

I'm a brave soul. I know I will be okay. It probably doesn't feel that way now. But I will be okay.

We will be okay.

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