Sunday, 18 October 2020
Haven't seen you in a while! Old friends meeting up - this is nice.
I really don't know where to start. I haven't written my thoughts out in about a year and just scrolling through my blog reminds me of how I haven't read much at all. We are currently experiencing the second wave of the coronavirus pandemic and it's making me wonder what life will be like in the next few weeks, months, years and beyond.
First things first - career-wise. What a grand coincidence that just when I decide to specialise in molecular virology, the outbreak happens. What I thought would be a nice and slow process of easing in to the molecular lab would actually turn out to be a series of late and night shifts that caused (and still does) me so much panic and anxiety and a repetitive cycle of healing and going through fire again. I am very grateful for the experience. I really am. It is hard work and it makes me cry at times but, also, it makes me feel that I am contributing to society. As a biomedical scientist, with very little previous hands-on experience in the molecular lab, I always question myself whether I am good enough. Whether I am capable enough. Whether I should be here. But with all that is going on in the world and the sheer volume of work that we do, the thoughts and the questions tend to blur out into a sea of nothing and then I forget what my questions were in the first place. The important thing is to get things done, to finish the day off, and to start again tomorrow.
Honestly, I am tired. I am struggling. I don't know if I am good enough. But the fact that each day passes and I learn new skills and get quicker with what I do - maybe I am good enough. I hope I'll get to that point when I can scratch out the maybe and say that, yes, I AM good enough. I really should stop doubting myself and start believing in myself. Those lovely people in Edinburgh who offered me a Band 6 job believed in me - why do I still think I am not good enough?
In terms of my personal life, I've only seen my family a handful of times. Tighter lockdown restrictions mean that seeing the people you love may not be as easy as it once was. I really miss my parents and I hope and pray that God will keep them safe and healthy throughout the pandemic. We have had a lovely staycation in Edinburgh last month and I'm going to keep those memories with me forever. Sometimes I take things like holidays for granted. It's easy to book a flight. It's easy to book a train. It's easy to get on the bus. These are things that used to be easy but are now considered a luxury. I've booked two weeks off at the end of November in anticipation of my boyfriend visiting the UK but that's not going to happen. I miss him. I really hope we get to see each other again soon.
I pray for better times. I pray for safer times. I pray for a more beautiful time when we can get out of this bubble and just be light and free.